W i t h e r e d
by GlinteHjelm
Summary: Shizuo and Izaya's relationship had never been the one like in those romance movies. Their "romance" was bitter. Their relationship sour. And their love withered. But perhaps, their love could blossom at last?
1. Prologue

_You'd think that after an innocent child gets stung by a rose, they would stay far away from it, and only admire it from afar. And most children do. They don't know how to handle the beautiful rose in their gentle hands. They don't know how to avoid the pain. So they just sit, and watch._

 _But some children are different. Some children don't know better, and welcomes the pain, because that's all they have to keep them alive. And they cling to that beautiful rose even though their hands bleed tears of agony. The thorns stick painfully to the skin. What their parents don't understand though, is that eventually they become numb to it._

 _A stranger would tell you It wasn't your fault that you got stung. A caring friend would tell you It's all your fault._

 _They'd let the truth sink in. They aren't just there to lie to your face. And they know you can't handle more lies. Because each lie just builds up a mask of cold stone, a mask so heavy that you'll eventually have to stare at the ground when you walk, completely unable to look up at the beautiful sky above them._

 _But It's their own fault, isn't it? They keep clinging to that beautiful rose even though they know it's painful. One would even say It's not worth it._

 _But they just don't understand, that the rose wither away with time. You don't have forever. And by looking up close, you'll notice things that no one else would ever notice from afar._

 _You can touch the silky petals, smell the sweet intoxicating scent, feel how the fragile the flower is in your cold hands. And you find out, that theres a reason the rose has thorns._

 _The rose is all dangerous on the outside, because if you come too close, you might destroy it. Yet it also yearns for somebody to come close. For someone to notice and appreciate them for who and what they are._

 _But the bleeding hands can't keep holding onto the flower. There is a breaking point, and you always knew there would be one. Just not when._

 _But despite the sorrow and agony within your heart, within your roughed up hands. You still smile, because you still saw the good in the situation. You witnessed something beautiful, something different from the completely ordinary life._

 _Shizu-chan is my rose._


	2. Chapter 1: The Missing Piece

Izaya sat quietly on his office chair. Not doing anything specific. The sunset behind him shinned into the large and lonely apartment. The flames from the sun danced on the white walls, painting them orange, pink and red.

Such a warm and lovely color, he had to admit. Yet the unusualy quiet raven still felt like he was surrounded by the cold light from the moon.

His eyes were blank. The chatroom in front of him going crazy like usual. But he wasn't the slightest part of it. He was only a part of the small crowd.

He found himself shutting the chatroom down. And he opened the first drawer in the side of the desk and pulled out a paper and an ordinary pencil, perhaps one he had used at some point in school.

He sat there, staring at the paper. Not exactly getting what he was doing yet, but let his hand follow the flow from his heart, and wrote down words with the rhythem of his heartbeat.

 _I've always liked roses. They are beautiful in their own special ways._

 _I had quite a lot of roses back in the garden of my parent's house. They were mostly white and red. Our maid kept them alive and stunning while my parnets were over the sea. I feel grateful for that._

Izaya sighed lightly and turned on his desk lamp, the light from the sun getting weaker and weaker with time.

 _I loved my parents deeply, yet I always felt a strange void inside me whenever they left. To ease the uneasy feeling, my parents always bought a paper rose from the origami store down the narrow street, right next to our house. It was mostly my father who remembered doing so. But I don't blame my mother for forgetting. She was a busy woman after all. She didn't love me any less just because she forgot sometimes._

 _I collected the small origami roses. I never threw the different colored paper figures away like my parents thought, and they were surprised to see them perfectly placed in a line on my window sill when they returned home._

 _How they reacted after, I can't remember anymore._

 _Through my childhood, I was spoiled quite a lot. I was spoiled so much, I almost put other kids to shame with the amazing toys I had in my room. I didn't act spoiled. I was quiet for the most. I said thank you and smiled whenever I recieved anything. Let it be a toy, clothes or anything else._

 _I was still a kid though, and like any other kid, I did point at things a little once in a while. We would walk on the street, hand in hand with my parents. I'd suddenly stop up and stare at something from a stop with an intense expression. It could have been a toy, a plush animal. Anything. All I had to do was point to the things and ask the magical words, and I'd get it. I could have so many things, but I rarely begged._

Throughout the lonely apartment, could the soft sound of writing be heard clearly. The informant yawned softly and rested his head in his hand while the other worked on the paper.

 _I didn't understand why I recieved so many things. Perhaps they were guilty over being so far away so much. It was likely to be like that. But never did they say anything about it._

 _I knew they loved me, but they never told me._

 _I never heard the magical words "I love you"._

 _I never heard it in my whole life from anyone. It felt like a missing puzzle in me. It always felt like that since I figured out what love was._

 _I felt lonely. But I never told my parents, even as a teenager. I wouldn't want to seem selfish._

 _Eventually as I grew up, the things I got slowly lost their meaning. I was getting small rewards for acting and feeling like a robot. The perfect son. The perfect student. The perfect boy. The boy that never could become a man._

 _I eventually began to forget about the origami roses. My parents forgot them too. They had been hidden away in a box that I still keep under the floor in my old room._

 _I remember coming home, being sad and angry for no reason. I guess I had a bad day in general._

 _I felt the need to release steam and angrily stumped my foot in the floor to feel better, and my leg went through the floor, creating a big hole in my room. That's when I saw the box of paper roses. I felt a rush of anger and sorrow wash over me. I remember calling my parents over the phone. Yelling angrily at them for different reasons that didn't hang together. One of the reasons were about forgetting the origami roses._

 _My parents were frightened. They jumped on the next plane to Tokyo and arrived within three days. They had never heard me angry before, they had never heard or seen me lash out._

 _I didn't feel guilty. Not the slightest. I was annoyed at how oblivious they were. They didn't sense me sinking into waters too deep for me._

 _When I met Shizu-chan, I felt freed. I could contain my violent moods around my parents because of that protozoan. I was lashing out silently at him by fighting._

 _Over the years we build a strange relationship. Not so ordinary from the rest. It was a mix of fighting and much else._

 _Shizu-chan was a dangerous territory to go. But the excitement and the thrill he gave off was as adicting as a drug. If not more. I had never experienced something like that before. And I was a selfish person at heart, and I couldn't just let go of that feeling._

 _Shizu-chan filled the void the small beautiful origami roses used to. Shizu-chan was my missing piece in my puzzled heart. And It's only years after I cry over the realization._

 _Because for once in my life, I point at something I can't have._

 _._

 _._

 _._

 **A/N: Oh I'm going to love writing this story. I prepare you to find your tissues already, It's going to be one hell of a rollercoaster of emotions.**


	3. Chapter 2: I Hate You

_"I'm not saying that he was the only one responsible for all the pain in our twisted relationship. If you could even call it that. I'd wake him up in the middle of the night sometimes after a rough day, only to make him angered and use his violence against me that he hated so much, only so he could fuck me and make me see stars instead of angry grey clouds over my head. I'd demand apologies from him even though I was behind the heart stabbing pain. We would scream at each other, promising one another to kill each other right after being together for a long night."_

 _"Funny thing is though, that It hasn't happened yet after so many years. I don't believe that Shizu-chan could actually kill anyone. Not even me. I guess I would like to see him try.. Just to see how weak he really is. Because he doesn't feel weak or seem like that. Only when he is with people he actually care about, but when It's me? The dark monster comes out. You'd think they were two different people."_

 _"Now, Shizu-chan hates me deeply. Always have, always will. I think that will definitely remain like that until we die. I've slowly lost interest in our little hate game for dominance. I can't put my finger on it no matter what I do. But something just changed for me. Seeing Shizu-chan in public with his friends or boss, seeing him smile and laugh and just enjoy himself in general, squeezes my heart tightly, knowing he'll never do that to me."_

 _"That feeling is terrirfying. It's not supposed to be there. Yet I can't deny that the thought of Shizuo being happy, fills the empty void in my missing piece of my heart. My stone of a heart that used to be as cold as the december ice, melts dangerously fast. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept that feeling properly. Since Shizu-chan will most likely never smile in my direction ever, as I said. So I stomped on the desire before it could grow. But the faint feeling still lingers, and binds my hand tighter with red strings until I bleed. I'm so busy with the wounds that I don't want to pay attention to who the red thread leads to. I have an idea though."_

 _._

Izaya sat on his couch and scribbled down words with the rhythem of his heartbeat on the blank paper. He wasn't really enjoying himself that much, he was restless and tired. The sun was beginning to set once again, like any other day. The dark orange light shinning into the apartment and lighting the large spaced area up. Flames dancing up against the white walls as usual.

His peace was however, rudely ripped away from him as the front door suddenly swung open with full force, a loud bang following shortly after the door hit the wall and the raven winced lightly.

"I-za-ya–kun." A low dangerous growl came from just outside his apartment. Izaya gulped at the familiar voice and hid away his piece of paper as the blond debt collector stepped into view.

"Ne, I wonder what brought Shizu-chan to my apartment?" Izaya put his smiling mask on, his favorite from his wardrobe, the only one that hasn't cracked yet.

The angry fortissimo glared at the raven on the couch as soon as he layed eyes on him. Shizuo did nothing to hide the deep hatred in his eyes, and It made Izaya look a little down in his lap, a sudden feeling choking him and making him feel uncomfortable under the blond's stare.

Shizuo however, did not notice the informant's odd behavior.

"You've been gone for a month" was all that came from the debt collector. Izaya snorted. "Woah, the monster can count. I didn't see that coming."

Completely ignoring the insulting words, Shizuo stepped closer to Izaya with long, heavy steps. "You're always up to something. I bet It's big this time if you've been gone for so long."

"Shizu-chan, how evil do you think I am? I haven't been up to anything for a long time." Izaya smiled. He didn't care to eleborate on his words since he knew that Shizuo wouldn't believe him either way.

"You're always scheming somthing, like the insane flea you are." He grumbled unhappily. Sadly, the raven wasn't telling lies at all. He had been up to nothing all month, he rarely went out, he didn't even step foot in Ikebukuro, and he didn't have any clients.

Izaya only smiled, because why should he bother trying to convince Shizuo to believe in his 1%?

"You've... Been avoiding me.." Shizuo said carefully, he gently played with a lock of the raven's hair. It sounded more like a statement than a question to him. He gulped.

"Now why would I ignore my favorite monster? I've obviously just had better things to do and been busy~!" Izaya replied with fake cheer, but he was visibly shivering at the blond's unusual gentle touch.

Suddenly the raven was yanked a little upwards, and he yelped in silence at the pain he was feeling of his hair being pulled so he could look up at Shizuo.

"Bullshit." Shizuo stared angrily down at him before crashing their lips together. Izaya's eyes widened and he tried to pull away because of the sudden action. But Shizuo's grip only tightened onto the raven, so he had nowhere to run.

Izaya whimpered under his breath as Shizuo bit painfully down in his lip, their tongues fighting violently for dominance. Izaya felt excitement shoot up his spine at the wild contact. And before he knew it, Shizuo had already picked him up, and as soon as they reached the bedroom, he threw the informant roughly on the bed.

"My, I didn't know Shizu-chan was so horny..." Izaya moaned as the blond touched the sensitive skin of his stomach. "Shut your fucking mouth, I've had a stressing day in my defense."

Izaya's mind was too far gone in lust to think straight anymore. Because he knew that in reality, this wasn't what he wanted anymore. He didn't want to be some sex-frustration dumpster for the debt collector. He didn't want to be hurt and left in his cold apartment like some sort of overused sex doll. He felt worthless enough anyway, no need for anyone to make it worse.

Izaya was having an inner conflict with his feelings. His thoughts were a chaos. His logic not making any sense.

Why?

Why exactly was his feelings bound like this to the person he hated the most?

Why couldn't he hate him even though he brought him nothing but grief and bruises on his heart?

Izaya panted as he tasted the familiar taste of his own metalic blood on his lip. Shizuo's teeth had found their way to Izaya's pale neck. And he bit over the older marks that had almost faded away from the last time, making them appear once again in an angry red color.

"Nnng—"

The raven's face was growing hot, and his head was spinning. He wanted to grip the blonde's shoulder and shove him away. He truely did, but he was afraid of what might happen if he actually acted upon his actions.

Strangely enough, Izaya had been the one to start the twisted relationship. _He_ had provoked Shizuo into having sex with him out of frustration. And he had _kept_ it going, torturing Shizuo into doing what he wanted.

For quite a long time, Izaya enjoyed the pain, and he gladly bit back at the monster like an angry dog to return some. The thrill of having his arms twisted around his back as his face was shoved into the cold ground while Shizuo worked behind him, was all he wanted. It was like a replacement for the love he starved after.

The two were incredibly selfish. Only caring about their own pleasure. Heh, he had never experienced such thing as preparation either. But he had loved it, the pain, how it distracted him, how it made him shiver in excitement. Now the pain only reminded him, that he was doomed, because he was nothing but an object Shizuo could toy around with as he wished when he was angry.

Shizuo yanked Izaya's jeans down along with his boxers. Leaving the raven with nothing but his long sleeved shirt on. But the blond stopped in his tracks as he felt something rustle in the pocket of Izaya's jeans. He could hear that It wasn't a knife to his luck.

"N-No.." Izaya tried to block Shizuo's hand from finding out about the object, but Shizuo just grabbed his wrists and held them in the air. The raven winced at the rough treatment and already knew they were going to bruise badly after this.

The monster of Ikebukuro pulled out the piece of paper and read it with an angry, short sigh.

"If he knew about the damage he was causing, would he want to reverse time or laugh like It didn't matter to him? isn't that a great question? _What the hell is this._ Didn't think you'd be into that kind of poetic shit." The blond crumbled the paper in his hand and threw it away. Izaya didn't dare open his mouth, afraid that something unesecarry would spill out from anger. He knew better than to lash out and let words slip.

"I bet you missed this, you sick bastard." The blond mumbled into the other's collarbone and harshly bit down on it, licking over the several marks he made while tighting his grip around the raven's fragile wrists.

Izaya did certainly not miss being held down and experiencing pain. At least not anymore...

Izaya wiggled around for a little while as the monster marked him all over. Izaya's mind was completely unfocused until he felt a sharp pain rip him apart. The informant screamed silently the whole night as his body was abused by the sweet pain he had once enjoyed.

.

When morning came, Shizuo sat on the other side of the bed, smoking and trying to blink himself awake. Izaya was lying on the other side, their backs turned to each other. The raven's back ans hips arched badly, so he didn't dare move much and only looked at the wall in front of him.

He groaned loudly, and turned his body _very slowly_ towards his enemy.

"Could you stop smoking inside my apartment? I hate the smell." Izaya asked, wanting to sound demanding but only got away with sounding exhausted, which he really was.

Shizuo took a finale drag before he stood up from the bed. Izaya was just about to thank Shizuo for actually doing anything he asked. But something was off as the ex-bartender walked over to the raven. His expression was calm as he sat down beside the raven. He unbottened the oversized shirt a little down to expose his shoulders. Izaya didn't know what to expect until he felt a very sharp sting in his left shoulder.

The raven was about to curse loudly at the blond's action, as he pressed the burning cigarette against the pale shoulder, and not removing it but only pressing it deeper. To prevent Izaya from screaming out, the blond wrapped his hand around the slender throat and squeezed painfully tight. The raven thrashed helplessly under the blond's control as he both wheezed for breath and wanted to yell in pain.

Tears from panic gathered in his eyes and was on the edge of spilling. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't see properly. He didn't know what to do.

The blond trapped his legs too by placing himself in between them to prevent himself from getting kicked. Shizuo only smirked down at Izaya's scared face. Enjoying every second of the raven's misery.

"Don't tell me what to do, _Iza-chan._ "

And the voice reminded him once again about the pain and sorrow within him. And with that, all the physical pain disappeared. Izaya rolled over on his stomach at the speed of lightning and began coughing and gasping for air.

About the time Izaya's sanity had returned to him, and he had calmed down his heart, Shizuo was long gone. Probably hanging out with Celty or his boss. While Izaya sat in his bed, with his enemy's way too large shirt on.

 _"If he knew about the damage he was causing, would he want to reverse time or laugh like it didn't matter to him? Isn't that a great question? And what would he do to me? Love me, disgust me, despise me, want me?"_

Izaya shakingly got out of bed, his legs barely holding him as he walked down the stairs.

 _"Perhaps he would just leave me? Or maybe be so disgusted with himself that he wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes, ever? But Shizu-chan is such an unpredictable beast, you'll never know."_

Izaya stood in front of one of his large windows, with an empty expression, he just stared down there, as if he was searching for the blond debt collector walking among the humans where he didn't belong. He opened the window completely up, and let the cold breeze wrap around his tiny aching body as a comfort.

 _"They say, the one who loves the least, controls the relationship. That might not be too far from the truth, ne?"_

Izaya steped closer to the edge and let his toes rest just on the edge. Something filled the raven, an unusual feeling that drained his 1% happiness.

Jumping would be easy. He could be set free from the cruel reality of life.

 _"Ne... I wonder how Shizu-chan would react if he saw me on my deathbed."_

Izaya let his foot lean a little forward, so it was out in the open and letting the cold breeze blow softly on it.

 _"If he saw me weak, saw my scars, my face behind my slowly cracking mask, would he kiss me goodnight? Maybe he would like to end my misery himself? Just a quick, strong squeeze around my throat, and it would be over."_

Izaya shivered and stepped away from the window, he didn't cry. Didn't do anything other than breathe and feel alive, or somewhat.

 _"It's hard to be in love with a person who hates you with all their might."_

.

.

.

.

 **A/N: Theeeere, I wanted to cast some light on the unhealthy relationship between them, hope the chappy was okay.**


	4. Chapter 3: I Need Peace

"Ne, Namie-san. Don't you think the sky looks way too beautiful compared to the rest of the world around it?"

Namie looked up from her paperwork and blinked for a little while, her eyes staring confused over at the raven who was currently standing, looking down on the humans he claimed to love dearly. "I'm not quite sure what you mean by that..."

Izaya smirked softly and placed his hand on the cold glass of the window, letting the frosty cold softly sting his hand. "The world is filled with so much sorrow, hate, neglect and unnecessary hurtful actions. The list could go on. Yet, when we look around us, the earth is as beautiful as ever as if It was mocking us."

Namie didn't say anything. Her boss had always been a little weird, so she thought it was just another crazy phase of his to act so... _Deep._ Not that she cared, unless she got payed for it that is.

"Remind me again why I am still stuck with you, now that you've quit your job." Namie sighed and went back to the hundreds of files that she orginazed perfectly in folders.

Izaya turned around and sat in front of his desk with his eyes turned towards his secretary, his smirk getting wider. "Well I still have some clients that payed a well amount of money to get some information on their tables. It would be wrong to just leave them behind~!" He chuckled and shut his laptop off and pushed it away from him. He rested his head in his arms and breathed slowly in and out calmly. "That would go against my own rules~!" He mumbled.

"I'm just still surprised that the Awakusu let their favorite informant walk away from their grasp just like that in the first place..."

Izaya traced words into the dark wooden table beneath him, with soft brushes of his fingers and smiled softly. "There's many things you don't understand, Namie-san."

True though, the raven _had_ been able to just walk away from their grasp without trouble. But had it not been for his close relationship to Kine, who once had been one of the only trustworthy members of the Awakusu. He might not have been able to quit. But Shiki was a respectful man, and somewhat trusted the former informant to not sell information on them and so on.

"The real question though is, _why_ did you quit?"  
Izaya snorted–

Because how was he going to explain that?

It was such a simple question. Yet the answer was complicated. Lines twisted around each other, creating a dull knot. And the raven couldn't untie it no matter how much he tried.

"Not your business, Namie-san. Just focus on your work so you can go home!" He shot a quick smile at her, and pulled out a familiar blank sheet of paper from his drawer and his pencil.

Namie didn't pay much attention to the new interest Izaya had taken, at first— whatever it was. But she couldn't help but peek at the raven a little once in a while.

It seemed so surreal to see the former informant sit with his head down on the desk. His left arm working somewhat as a pillow for the side of his head, and the other arm moving around from writing stuff she had no idea about. She would almost describe the man as an ordinary five year old, drawing messily with crayon and somehow getting color smudged out on their hand and face.

She shut down her laptop and walked over to the busy male with quiet steps.

Namie eyed the other papers scattered across the desk messily, like a student would do, and picked a sheet up out of curiousity.

"Humans are pretty much like dominos, falling easily, fragile, equel, and always falling, falling, falling because of other people, pushing them down from behind. And they won't even notice how far down they are before they are already on the ground. They can't go back, so they pull the person in front of them down with them to make themself feel better about their very own miserable lives..." Namie's voice faded out until it simply didn't exist anymore. And she was no longer reading the words that had been softly printed into the paper with the raven's pencil. The woman had no clue as to what caused him to write such.. _Thing.._

"You wrote this?" She asked in disbelief, her fingers tracing the pretty hiragana signs as she repeated them in her head like a broken record-player.

"Ah, you weren't supposed to read any of them." Izaya frowned slightly and swiftly took the paper from her hands. But the damage was sadly, already done.

"When in the world did _you_ get into writing?" Her surprised tone melted away, and she let a short laugh escape her lips as she stared down at Izaya. And the former informant almost felt offended by the amused voice. His letters weren't for show. They came from deep within and was meant seriously.

"If I'm correct, then I told you to finish the fuck up." Izaya hissed lightly, yet the cruel woman only laughed and went back to her desk with a smile on her pale lips. Izaya usually became snappy when people saw the private sides of him. He still remembered the time he snapped at Shinra for annoying him about his parents. He liked to be a private person after all.

"To think that the all famous and feared information broker, Orihara Izaya, write stupid diary letters to himself, how pathetic can one go?" She chuckled darkly before finally returning to her work. Izaya only ignored her and kept on writing.

* * *

"Ehm... Shizuo.. You seem a little frustrated... Everything alright up there?"

Shizuo snapped out of his little trance and glanced down at his boss beside him with a small smile. "I guess, I have some stuff on my brain." he mumbled and went back to look at his feet while they walked.

"You know, It always helps to talk about things. You've been getting angered and frustrated more easily lately. It's quite concerning." Tom sighed and patted the taller man on his shoulder. Shizuo didn't say anything at first. He was acting a little weirder than usual, wasn't he? He often felt himself get angry at the simplest things he couldn't do, but It felt like It was getting worse somehow.

"It's just the flea getting on my nerves is all." That's right. It was always that flea's fault. He would always be behind something somehow. Even if it wasn't directly him behind it, he was always involved in it. Shizuo was sure that the bastard didn't even have 1% goodness in him.

"Orihara? Talking about him, It's been a while since I've seen him in town." Tom realized and put his hands in his pockets. Shizuo only snorted. "He's hiding in his apartment, scheming shit like the pathetic villain he is."

Tom thought It was wise to not ask how Shizuo was so sure of that. But still decided to speak up. "I thought he stopped sending gangs after you and stuff a little while back?"

Shizuo suddenly stopped in his tracks and stared confused at his boss. "Hah?"

"You said he's been getting on your nerves, but didn't he stop pestering you a while back?"

Shizuo stayed quiet for a minute, until he started walking again, Tom following right at his side. "I guess so.." the blond mumbled. But the frown on Shizuo's face told Tom that something was going on inside the debt collector's brain.

"Ne, Tom-san. Around how long has it been?" Shizuo suddenly asked. Tom thinked for a moment. "Around three months ago I think. Of course, he could be pestering you in private for all I know."

Seeing as Shizuo didn't answer back or did anything other than walk. Tom guessed that the feared informant hadn't been causing trouble at all.

* * *

As soon as the blond reached his climax, he pulled out from the raven pinned beneath him, and rolled over to the side of the bed. And the blond made sure to keep a good amount of space between the two as he pushed Izaya a little away from him. The ex-informant winced at the rough treatment, but didn't complain or voice his pain.

Izaya pulled the covers over his slim and fragile body that was covered in ugly bruises and bitemarks. He saw the blond lighting a cigarrate in the corner of his eye, but only rolled his eyes while turning his back to the monster.

The raven closed his eyes and tried to welcome the peace of sleep. That was the only thing that could take him away from the messed-up world.

"Ne, Izaya."

Izaya only closed his eyes tighter as his heartbeat sped up. Completely ignoring the blond.

"Izaya."

The raven still refused to answer. But he was quickly pulled out of his peaceful state as he was yanked a little backwards by his raven locks. Izaya hissed as he stared at the dangerous eyes of an animal above him.

"Shitty bastard, I know you don't fall alseep that fast." Shizuo growled down at the tired raven. Izaya huffed as if he was offended, and Shizuo let go of his hair. Izaya slowly moved back to his spot on the king-sized bed, but this time faced towards the blond.

"What is it?" Izaya grumbled unhappily.

Shizuo took a long drag of his cancer stick before blowing the smoke softly towards the raven. And if the ex-informant didn't have half of his nose burried into his pillow, he would probably have coughed more than he did.

"You stopped sending gangs and other throubles after me, and you're not coming to Ikebukuro anymore." Shizuo spoke calmly, not even giving Izaya a glance as he once again took another long drag.

"That's what you wanted all along, right?" Izaya adjusted his position to rest his head in his hand while he traced words into the white sheet beneath him. Words the blond would never be able to read nor understand.

"Shut up."

"Mm.."

Izaya smirked softly as he sunk back into the bed, his bruised back facing the ceiling and his cheek gently pressed into the pillow.

"Why?"

Izaya blinked for short moment. He hadn't expected the blond to ask him why. But the surprised expression quickly faded away as fast as it came. The blond still not even looking at the raven beside him.

"Who knows..." Izaya smirked lightly as he slowly crawled towards the blond. "Maybe you're boring me..."

Izaya's slender, pale fingers softly brushed along the monster's visible jawline and trailed down towards his chin. "Perhaps I've found better things to do..."

The raven tilted the blond towards him, making him stare into his own crimson orbs that shinned almost like ruby. "Or maybe I like you?" Izaya's lips ghosted over Shizuo's for a second, until the debt collector curled his fingers around the raven's throat, pulling him harshly away from him. He pinned him roughly down on the bed as he hovered above him. Izaya laughed at the abusive action as he could imagine the bruise going to take form on his pale skin tomorrow.

"Don't even say shit like that, you're not even capable of liking another person." He squeezed a little tighter, the words the raven had said repeating annoyingly in his head.

"Oh, but you're not exactly just a _person_ either, are you?" Izaya grinned darkly at the protozoan above him. Shizuo cursed and let the raven go. He quickly pulled his bartender clothes on and left the apartment as quickly as possible, the sound of the maniac laugh belonging to Orihara Izaya haunting him until he was out of the building.

Izaya wiped a tear away from his eye at the intense laughing. If only the blond knew how much his little confession had meant.

* * *

"What the fuck happened to you?" Namie stared at his boss, feeling disgust creep up on her. She almost dropped her laptop and files.

"You don't like it?" Izaya grinned at Namie's terrirfied face as he pointed to his neck, where a dark ring had formed around it.

Izaya turned back to his work while Namie was still staring at the raven. "A personal gift from Shizu-chan. He's not much of a person who goes out and buys jewelry, since he can barely afford living in his own home with all the debt swinging around his ears. He's more the type to make his gifts _himself._ " He grinned brokenly. Namie's disgust suddenly transformed into something more along the lines of concern. She sat by her desk, opening her work, but still keeping a close eye on her boss.

"I think you should leave that monster alone." Namie eyed the raven up and down. She could tell there were more bruises than he showed. But whenever they had their normal chases in the past, Izaya barely had a scratch when he came home.

The ex-informant smiled sadly as he folded a piece of paper in his hand. "Trust me Namie-san, I tried."

The raven-haired man admired his work as he placed the beautiful origami rose on the side of his computer screen. "I tried."

 _"It's getting colder every day. It probably won't be long until it begins to snow. Sadly, the snow never lasts long in the bigger cities. All there is left is grey slush on the street that eventually becomes water by the end of the day."_

 _"I've always hated, yet loved winter as a child. I guess I haven't changed much on that point. I always felt angry over how the flowers in our garden withered away until there was nothing left. So, our garden looked like a white desert. Of course, they came back in the late spring, sometimes earlier, if the weather were warmer than usual that is. And the beautiful roses would once again rise like kings and queens."_

 _"I'm not sure if there's still roses in our old house. It's still abandoned from what I've heard. It's an old place after all, away from the big city. I wonder how it looks now. If It's still as amazing as I remember it to be. Probably not. I'm guessing there's still holes in the unstable floor and the doors don't shut properly."_

 _"Perhaps I should visit it sometime, just to get away from everything for a while. Wouldn't that be wonderful, ne?"_

Izaya sighed. Yeah, get away from everything. Work. The city.

 _"Shizu-chan.."_

* * *

 **A/N: Honestly, I'm not that satisfyed with this chapter. It was kind of written in a rush because I have lots of stuff that I need to focus on. I also have other stories I need to tend to on Wattpad that I may or may not publish on at the moment. I also had the story edited a bit by a friend because I simply don't have the time. I guess it turned out okay in the end. I hope you enjoyed it more than I did ^^ And I'll see ya next chapter!**


	5. Chapter 4: The Grey Man and the Flowers

**A/N: I'm having a quite a hard writer's block at the moment, not that It's an actual thing that exists. I simply don't feel like writing that much. Perhaps it's because school has been stressing me out. Luckily, I have a break coming up that will hopefully allow my brain to be creative again :) enjoy!**

 **Oops! PS. I changed the summary a bit. It was quite incorrect compared to the story. It's not a major change, but perhaps you would like to take a look anyway :)**

* * *

 _"Christmas is getting nearer. I'm not sure what date it is at this point, or what day, but I can tell by the bright lights surrounding the city. The happy smiles, the cheers, especially all the busy people running back and forth for something as pathetic as gifts. Gifts that doesn't really mean anything, they are just there on the wish list, waiting to be bought and then that's it. No other feelings because wanting something, feels better than actually getting it."_

 _"I can't remember the last time I celebrated Christmas. Or anything else for that matter. Probably when I lived with my parents. Even though they were hardly home for Christmas. However, they still send me tons of gifts whenever they weren't. I'm not sure what went through their minds when they just left like that, knowing they wouldn't be home for their only son on Christmas eve."_

 _"Perhaps I'm being too harsh on them. My feelings from my childhood intend to affect my thinking nowadays from time to time. I'm going soft, aren't I?"_

Izaya stopped writing. He just stopped. He had no reason why, but he just took a moment to look up from the paper, and look out of the window. One of his legs hanging from the windowsill as his arms were tugged backwards into his chest, only his hands peeking from the dark cave inside him and resting on the almost blank paper.

 _"I don't care about the price, just… Treat him for a couple of weeks or something."_

 _"I just don't understand, why would you want your boss treated if you hate him so much?" Namie sighed at the therapist. "For personal reasons, just do it. I'm going out for a bit. Call me when you're done for the day." Namie glanced shortly at Izaya, who currently sat on the familiar couch that patients were almost treated on daily. Then turned her attention towards the exit and walked out, now leaving the therapist and his boss completely alone._

 _The raven-haired woman sighed under her breath and turned to Izaya. She immediately noticed that the informant looked, firstly; exhausted, and sick. Nothing else could describe the raven's appearance better than that. And even though she didn't know the man, she could tell that he was struggling with something deep._

 _She sat down in front of him. Planning on doing exactly what she always did. Help._

 _"So, I've heard quite a lot about you Orihara Izaya. It's nice to finally meet you." The woman reached her hand out to greet the raven-haired man. But Izaya only stared down on it before rolling his eyes._

 _The therapist only smiled and withdrew her hand. "I'm Naname Nikita."_

 _By hearing the name, Izaya's eyes widened slightly in interest._

 _"Nikita? You're Russian, aren't you?" Izaya mumbled to her, the raven himself being surprised by hearing his own hoarse voice. Great, he both looked and sounded sick._

 _"You are correct Orihara-san, I have a Russian background, but I moved to Tokyo years ago." The therapist felt delighted that Izaya talked to her._

 _Izaya fell quiet after the woman's answer, wondering a bit if she had any ties with Simon. He had certainly never seen or heard about her before._

 _"So, Orihara-san, let's talk a bit about you, shall we?" Nikita broke the silence once again, her legs crossed and just looked in general like one of those annoying therapists on television. Acting all professional when they lie, lie and lie. They can't relate. They can't feel the same pain as they tell people. They are nothing, but empty humans trained to act like they know what their patients are going through._

 _Izaya lifted his arm up to rest on the armrest of the couch as he stared over at the therapist with cold eyes._

 _"I don't understand why I'm here."_

Izaya looked at the small crystal stars falling from the sky, eventually hitting the ground softly and melting into nothing, becoming one with nature once again. He almost wanted to reach out, just to feel the cold stars bite his skin with the frost they were made of. But somehow, he felt that the cold wouldn't surprise him.

 _"Orihara-san, you are dealing with some problems that you don't know how to handle, and It's alright. You're just a human after all."_

 _"What exactly did Namie-san and you discuss about me?" Izaya caught eye contact with the woman, and kept staring into her eyes until she spoke up._

 _"Only a few things that she found concerning. You quit your job suddenly, you fell quiet and you stopped going out. Small things like that." She explained and shivered a little under the ex-informant's stare. The raven huffed angrily and broke the eye contact. "She makes it sound like I'm some depressed teenager."_

 _"Depression isn't a typical teenager thing. It can hit anyone, and It is just as serious as if it was a man your age." She explained, almost robotically. Izaya's eyes widened at her in surprise. "I was only fooling around, you know..."_

 _The therapist gulped and nodded. "I'm sorry about that, but It's the truth none less."_

 _Silence fell over them once again. And it was agonizing, for not only the raven but also the therapist herself._

 _"Orihara-san, this question might sound odd, or weird in your ears, but who are_ _ **you**_ _deep inside?" She asked, and leaned forward to press her finger against Izaya's chest. Touching exactly where his heart was placed, before leaning back and wearing that expression of hers that waited for an answer._

 _Izaya's vision fell upon the rainy weather that was just outside the large building. The drops were thrown downwards like knives, and the raven only catched a short glimpse of each drop before it continued its journey down to the hard surface._

 _Izaya turned his head to the woman and got up from the couch, directly staring down upon her._

 _"I guess you could say that I'm just another grey person in the crowd now." He whispered. And went over to the door. "We are done for the day." He hissed before walking through the door._

 _"Orihara-san wait—!" Nikita's pleas were completely unheard in the raven's ears._

 _He just wanted to go home._

Izaya's icy cold hand gently connected with the window. He ignored the cold sting of the surface that told him to move away and get some warmth, but Izaya didn't mind it. He almost welcomed the sting. And more snow fell from the dark clouds above him each minute.

 _"I've heard that you like writing." Nikita smiled to the raven. Izaya just stared up at the ceiling, currently lying down on the therapist's couch with his hands behind his head._

 _"Did Namie-san tell you that too?" He grumbled. And the therapist fell silent._

 _Izaya closed his eyes. Welcoming the darkness around him as if he wanted to go to sleep. But he didn't. Sleep was cruel. It was only a temporary state where pain and sorrow were gone for good, but you would still wake up to the painful reality. Because it still existed. It was still there. No. Izaya just wanted to drift away into the void. Where nothing could touch him. He hated sleep._

 _"Would you like to share some writing pieces with me at some point?" Nikita brushed her long brown hair back so it wouldn't get in her face. She barely noticed when her patient held something out for her. But Izaya waited patiently._

 _When her eyes met Izaya's once again, she also noticed something in his hand._

 _Izaya was standing there, a few meters away from her with a sheet of paper reached out to her. And the woman gladly took it from him, careful not to hurt the thin paper as she pretty much investigated it. Izaya only sat back on the couch and waited for whatever reaction._

 _"Woah, Orihara-san. This is truely beautiful." The woman gasped and handed the paper back to the raven. Izaya had of course, handed her one of his poems instead of the letters he usually wrote._

 _But then, the smile melted away from her face. And only an expression of concern and relation filled the empty space. "So beautiful... But sad."_

 _Izaya didn't dare looking her in the eyes. "Writing my whatever out, emotions, I guess... Makes me feel relieved. Like I'm emptying my head from all the... Stuff... That has happened." Izaya admitted quietly. And The therapist's mouth instantly formed into an O at the confession. When Izaya's gaze finally met her, he raised his eyebrow in question, and Nikita shook her head and got her senses back on track._

 _"Sorry, It's just... This is the first time since we started our sessions that you've actually... Spoken about yourself." She smiled gently towards him. She truely felt happy that they were making some sort of progress._

 _"How does that make you feel?"_

 _Izaya just sat there. Not really looking at anything. "It feels... Relieving?" But not like when he wrote words down on paper._

 _"I just..." Izaya began but stopped shortly to sigh and let his hand brush through his hair that had grown slightly longer by now. "I'm not used to... to talking about myself. I've never done it… Before..." Izaya admitted, and he suddenly found a warm hand on his own icy cold one. He looked up to see the therapist in the eyes and she smiled sweetly to him. "It's alright."_

 _And she didn't need to say more._

* * *

 _"How about we talk a little about you Naname-san? I don't know a single thing about you~." Izaya leaned back on the couch like he always did._

 _"Ah, yeah, I figured you might want to know some things about me too." She nodded. "Well, you already know my family name and so on. Hmm... Well I'm twenty-five years old. I have a loving husband and a son who just turned seven. And we do live in Tokyo, but in the more peaceful part of town."_

 _"Is that all? Doesn't really sound like an exciting life." Izaya huffed. Nikita fiddled with her hands a bit while smiling. Izaya guessed that the woman was thinking back on something._

 _"Well, I have a family who loves me, and that is all I need."_

 _Those words, hit a soft spot inside the raven, whether the therapist knew or not. But it felt like somebody jabbed him where he had a blue mark. And it stung. But the raven didn't say anything._

 _"How is your relationship with your parents? Now that we are talking about it." Her clear voice broke through the ex-informant's thin glass wall. His parents was a sensitive topic._

 _"Why do you need to know?" Izaya hissed lightly at her, a mild glare following right behind._

 _She just smiled, like she always did. "Sometimes when parents neglect their child, it affects the child when they grow up to be an adult."_

 _'Tch, like my problems are from my parents...' Izaya thought angrily._

 _Then he chuckled. "My parents cared for me. And that's the only thing you need to know."_

* * *

 _"Orihara-san, I can't help but wonder, some of your poems are clearly about a person... But who?" She raised her eyebrow at him. And once again, Izaya felt that cold feeling run down his back and his heart clench painfully tight._

 _"Well, you are correct about... That some of them are about someone..." he scratched his neck awkwardly. Not really wanting to talk about Him at all._

 _"Go on..."_

 _"I— I can't..." Izaya suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable, it was almost like he would gain a panic attack any moment._

 _"Orihara-san, you know what? Stand up." The woman ordered him, and did the exact same thing. Izaya obeyed with a confused expression. She then stepped over to him, and did the most unexpected thing._

 _She hugged him._

 _"W-What are you doing..." Izaya panicked a little, and tried to kind of wiggle out of the hold, but the shorter woman only hugged tighter. "You looked like you were about to cry. And I'm assuming the person you write about so often, is a huge part of your life and much more."_

 _"I've never been... Hugged before like this..." Izaya's voice faded a little out, but the therapist heard it all. And she only hugged tighter, because she knew that this man needed this._

* * *

 _"So, what's wrong with that bastard?" Namie stood by her friend's side as she watched her go through some papers. The therapist sighed and looked up at Namie._

 _"Namie-kun, you of all people would know that treating a person for a week isn't gonna help much. Most people go to therapy for at least a year before something changes. I don't even know much." She sighed, softly rubbing her temples. "I told you that I don't care about him, tell me what you've got so far." She hissed impatiently._

 _"Alright.. He obviously has some problems he deals with. And they are causing him to change negativly. Which would explain why he dropped his job, if he was under too much stress and pressure. But there is a person in this, and I tried to figure out what it is with Orihara-san and that specific person, but it's a very sensitive topic for him." She read up from her small notes._

 _Namie smirked evilly and laughed. "Ah, so he did get to him in the end." And she continued to laugh as she made her way over to the door._

 _Nikita stared over at her with a confused look. And Namie turned around just before walking out of the door._

 _"I just wanted to see how bad karma really got to him. I'm stopping the treatment~! But of course, the bastard could probably wiggle himself into the system again somehow if he wanted to~!"_

 _The therapist huffed angrily and rose up from her chair. "You can't do that! You know that without a doctor's permission he can't continue!"_

 _"Oh, like he even wanted to be here in the first place. I'm simply doing him a favor!." She continued laughing and finally made her way out of the door, shutting it loudly after her._

 _Steam was nearly blowing out of the brunette's head. How could she be friends with that woman in the first place? That moron!_

 _She angrily sat down and dialed a number._

 _"Yes, It's me. Give me the address of Orihara Izaya this instant."_

* * *

 _Izaya heard a couple of knocks on his door, but didn't really feel like getting up from the couch. Shizuo had bruised his hips a painfully lot. And it was agonizing to walk around. Izaya wondered a little if Shizuo wanted to break his hips._

 _When the person continued knocking instead of going away, Izaya finally decided to get up and greet whoever was being a pest this late in the evening._

 _Izaya unlocked the door carefully, expecting perhaps Celty, maybe Shizuo(even though Shizuo hardly knocked but just kicked the door in) or maybe even Shiki._

 _But when he opened the door, It was none other than Naname Nikita._

 _"Orihara-san, you look like a wreck! What happened?" She pointed at him in shock. And Izaya really wished in that moment that he could have covered the bruises on his neck and face up, or at least brushed his wild hair._

 _"Stuff..." was all he muttered and opened the door wider up for the woman to go inside. She tried not to look so shocked at him, she really did, but he really looked like somebody who has been in a storm._

 _"You... Probably heard it already, but our sessions are over..." she fiddled with her hands again, not looking in Izaya's eyes but on the ground like she was ashamed._

 _"I did..." He whispered. And once again felt that cold rush run through him. Nervousity forming in his lower stomach._

 _"Here." Nikita reached inside her jacket and pulled out a small piece of paper from her hidden pocket, and placed it in the raven's hand. Izaya's gaze fell down on the paper, and switched between the woman and his hand._

 _"If you want, we can continue our sessions in my house. But I don't want to give up on you so easily. There's something special about you Orihara-san." She carefully hugged him. "And you don't even see it yourself..."_

 _When the woman left at last, Izaya found himself standing in the same spot for a long time. Wondering if Shizuo would ever hug him with such care._

* * *

Namie moved around a couple of boxes, cursing a little on the inside by how heavy they were.

When she walked down the stairs, down to the living room. She felt blank when she saw a young boy standing in the middle of the room, the front door slightly open.

The young boy made eye contact with Namie and he immediately tensed up. "I-I'm sorry! The door was just open." He bowed down in apology. Namie raised her eyebrow in amusement and walked down the rest of the steps. "You're that Mikado kid, right? What are you doing here?"

He gulped a little. "I was actually hoping on catching Izaya-san. He send me a mail that I wanted him to eleborate on."

The secretary dropped the boxes on the empty desk and turned to another box that she started moving around with. "He's not here at the moment. And don't expect him to come back at the moment either, just go home."

"Is that so..." the high school student whispered to himself and made his way out of the front door with a sigh.

When he was walking down the last few steps in the building, the young raven noticed a familiar blond-haired guy walk inside the glass doors. Mikado instantly tensed up as the monster came closer. Almost not noticing the raven had it not been for the loud whimpering.

"Ah, Mikado, right? What are you doing here at the flea's place?" Shizuo grumbled lightly. Mikado almost wanted to faint right then and there. "E-Eh, Izaya-san q-quit his job not long a-ago. He told me so over m-mail. I just wanted him to e-explain further!"

Shizuo's expression became blank at Mikado's words. "But the bastard loves his job."

"E-Exactly!"

God, Mikado just ran out of the building as fast as possible, not wanting to be a part of the blond's possible wrath.

Shizuo muttered a few curse words as he walked up the stairs, all the way up to the raven's large flat. The blond's eyes widened a little when he noticed all the cardboard boxes laying around, both outside his flat and inside. It was basically a sea of boxes.

The blond debt collector stepped inside and felt a little bit of emptiness rush through him by seeing the almost empty flat. It seemed way lonlier than normally.

"Shizuo?" The blond turned his head by hearing his name and met eye contact with the flea's secretary.

"If you've come to kill him, then you're late. He's not here." She told him while putting books from the bookshelf down in another box.

"What is going on with all the boxes?" Shizuo asked, lightly kicking to one of them that was standing by his feet. She turned around and placed the box next to another by the desk. She sighed and placed her hands on her hips and glanced at the blond. "Can't you tell? He's moving."

Shizuo frowned a little at the answer. "Where to?"

Namie snickered and went back to packing. "I don't know, and I don't care."

* * *

Izaya stared down at the frozen garden, longing for it to bloom with beautiful roses like it always did.


End file.
